Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Holy crap - when did THAT happen?!?

I am a pillar of calm, zenlike mom. I am not sappy, or dramatic, or weepy. I do not cry at movies, or weddings, or even funerals. I am the calm one. The one who doesn't fall apart and keeps a level head through every crisis.

Or, at least I was until this last week - when, HOLY CRAP, I cried! Twice! In one week!

Cry number one was a shocker. I've been talking about diabetes and often relaying Sarah's diagnosis story for over a year now. But put me in front of a whole group of executives from various organizations, and I go to pieces. I was relaying how she'd been sick. She'd gotten thinner. She'd felt like passing out. I told about how we took her to her pediatrician, who'd pronounced that she had a virus of some sort and could go back to school after a few blood tests.

But when I tried to explain my feeling as I answered my cell phone later that evening to find a very concerned pediatrician on the other end... When I told how she'd asked me how close we were to the nearest emergency room... I lost it, and fortunately Sarah was there to pick up the slack. - Afterwards I decided that my loss of composure was probably a good thing. Hopefully some of those folks felt, just for a moment, the terror of hearing your child has a serious illness, because we need their support to continue to fund diabetes research.

Cry number two was on the Fourth of July. Sarah decided she wanted to spend the night at her grandma's house, so she could continue to spend time with her amazing older cousin, Ashley. I let her go, with the condition that she not ingest any carbohydrates after dinner, as I didn't want her to have any meal insulin left in her system at bedtime, because I wouldn't be there to check her until the insulin passed through. They went to watch fireworks at her uncle's house. At some point in the evening, cupcakes were distributed. It was after 10pm, and Sarah had had a long day. She wanted a cupcake, and I had to say no. Her next texts to me broke my heart;

I wish I didn't have diabetes.
and
Why did it come for me?
and
It is so unfair!

She ended up coming home that night, mostly because she really needed some mama hugs.

But you know what? She's right! It's not fair. It's not fair that she has to watch every single thing she eats at 11 years old. It's not fair that she has to poke herself 6-10 times every day. It's completely not fair that I have to stick big needles in her 2-3 times a week to change her insulin pump site and CGM site. And on that note, it's not fair that she has more equipment on her belt than spiderman!

And yes, before anyone tells me so; life isn't fair. I know. I've used that line myself... a lot. I know I'm whining, and I know there are kids with much larger challenges. But this is MY kid, and HER challenges. And it's just not fair.

See, there I go again...

4 comments:

  1. oh Michelle! I'm so sorry you have had a rough week. I hope that things start to improve and you can get back to some easier and happier times. You deserve it...you are a fantastic Momma and Sarah is such a great girl. We've been doing this for 3 years now and those crying times sneak in and catch me off guard still...diabetes is such a bully.

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  2. Julia CiaramitaroJuly 7, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    HI Michelle, you are right - it is not fair! Not fair at all for your little sweetie or you! I was at a bday party this week, caught up talking to other moms, and noticed my daughter, the only 8 year old int eh group not snacking on chips and skittles. Not wanting to miss the conversation to come find me I could tell :( Then heard of a 3rd grade party - all her great friends for an afternoon of swimming and no invite over here for my fun, kind little one. It made me cry and infuriated at the same time. My husband said he can understand why people are intimidated by the pump...... I say NO FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FAIR!!!!! Say it all you want my friend.

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  3. Julia CiaramitaroJuly 7, 2011 at 8:30 PM

    And just for the record - you are an incredible mom with an amazing daughter who inspires other newer diabetes families to be strong, do better, be brave, advocate for our kids and keep fighting. Thank you!

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  4. Awww thanks you guys! Diabetes is a total bully, but we all get through. Thanks for making me feel better! And I think you guys are pretty awesome yourselves!!!

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