Friday, September 6, 2013

Unpredictability, thy name is diabetes...

I'm nervous.

Each night I set alarms to check on my little girl. I wake on my own more than once and put a hand on her forehead, just to make sure it isn't clammy. I methodically check her blood sugar meter daily to make sure she's checking as much as she should (she still isn't checking before PE, I lost that battle), and to make minor adjustments to her insulin regimen.

The truth is, she's doing amazing. Diabetes wouldn't BE diabetes without highs and lows. But we haven't seen anything over 250 or under about 75 in weeks, and it's kinda creeping me out.

We've been here before, a lot really. We'll have spectacular weeks, months. Everything works great! Right up until the moment it doesn't.

That's the crux of diabetes. Most of the time it looks easy, and sometimes it actually is. But we're always walking a tightrope. We get better at it, sure. But we can't always be prepared for which direction the next gust of wind will hit. 

Last December we were having a great time, spent the day in Disneyland having tons of fun. Blood sugar was perfectly fine. Scout was alerting like a champion. At some point, Sarah started to feel off, and within a few hours she was sick. Well, not sick, but SICK!!

I'll paint a picture. My beautiful girl who had been smiling and laughing and having fun all day was suddenly puking. And then she was lying on the floor sweating. She literally had to be carried because she didn't have the strength to move. All this from what? A bug? Something she ate? We still have no idea. But she went from healthy to the absolute opposite of healthy so fast it left my head spinning.

And that's why, even when everything seems perfect, I can't forget that it can all change in a heartbeat. I am not even a worrier, and I worry. I'm not a fretter, but I fret. I'm a mom who knows that this tightrope is only as strong as circumstances allow. I know hard times are ahead, I just don't know when they'll hit, or what the catalyst will be (if any, it's diabetes after all - and it doesn't really need a reason to be a poophead). 

And I guess that's really what keeps a small part of my brain in a near constant tissy, the knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we will see scary highs, scary lows, ketones, etc. Diabetes and the challenges it brings are inevitable. 

It's the one thing I can't do nearly enough to protect my daughter from. And I hate that there's anything in this world I can't protect her from. 

I'm mom. My job is to keep her safe and healthy. How can I do that with a stupid disease that doesn't play fair? 

The world isn't fair. Yes, world - I got the message. Truly. I did.

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